it started with a collage...

Not over till it's over

Why is it so hard to die and be laid to rest?

My parents and I had them all set for prepaid preplanned cremations, Dad's went off a few years back without a hitch. When I went to finalize Mom's arrangements, I am told it takes all of the adult children to sign off or they won't do the cremation. Ohio law has changed. Lawsuits abound. They now videotape the entire cremation. Heck, they even ask if you want to watch it. Can you imagine???

Lovely. Just what I want, Mom lying around in a crematorium waiting for out of town sibs to sign off and get notarized. Or they will get their attorney's approval for majority rule-if two out of three of us signing is good enough.

"How long will you hold her here?" I ask. 

Indefinitely. As long as it takes. She's safe here. ...................uhh, what????

I have been waiting for a definitive answer since last Wednesday. I have none. I am not afraid that she isn't safe. I want closure.

We wondered for twelve years with her death in the back of our minds, we wondered how many days she could struggle without food and water, and now, even in death we wonder "can't she just GO in peace?"

If anyone is out there is Power of Attorney for a parent, it stops when they die. Even if you and the parent have arranged in advance for cremation, apparently in Ohio, you need all the children of said  parent to sign off on it. It doesn't even matter what the deceased previously signed up for or paid for. This overrides the will as well. The funeral home says we now need a "DECLARANT FORM" but in this case it is too late.

Planning a cremation in your future??? Run, don't walk to the nearest funeral home now and ask for this form. It will let you pick up to 7 representatives to have power to cremate you without having everyone you know sign off. Surely we all know 7 people that we could ask to do that for us..right?

 

 

 

Breathe in, exhale, repeat

This life is now over for Mom. Only paperwork needs to be finished and loose ends tied. It was easier to see her silent and peaceful yesterday than it had been to see her gasping and fighting to hold on.

Crazy memories came to mind when I knew she was going, then gone. Not memories of happy times, but memories of lessons she taught or times when I was angry with her. The happy memories came later in the day. Funny pictures of her or things she used to say. 

Now, I just need to breathe and remember to exhale. I feel I have been holding my breath for years. Trying to hold onto her personality and keep her with us for the last twelve years was like attempting to catch air. 

Today, rain pours from the Leap day skies. Just as well, it will cover any telling tears that come. 

 

*final note: I posted thanks on Facebook to all of you who sent your prayers and concerns. Sadly, it lost part of the messages, blocked me from my account and did all kinds of crazy things. I don't know if any of you saw my thanks or not. I am hoping THIS message gets through. You all know how  much I appreciate your concern and how much I care for you. Thanks again.

quilt squares

She is in and out now, floating through a drug induced kind of peace. Her chest rattles like old windows in the wind. Her hands that once sewed and pieced quilt squares are wrapped in fleece and padding to protect them from harm.It is soft and keeps her hands warm..reminds me of quilt batting. She would like that.

Today, I don't choke when I see her. I sit down and stare at the ceiling. I brush her hair off her face. I tell her again that she can go. Anytime. I sit some more. 

I come home and think of painting. Collage. How I started this blog because I made a collage about her and Alzheimer's. Nearly full circle. Much love mama. Find peace.

Tonight I'll sleep under the quilt you started and I finished. Maybe dream of you.

Friday quote

"I'm not overweight, I'm just nine inches too short."

                                                                        Shelly Winters

 

Sorry, but I just had to laugh today and this did it. Unfortunately, I usually feel the same way she did. 

I am going to paint tonight. Will post it if I am not totally humiliated by the results.

bedside manner

It is a damn shame when people become involved in occupations they have no talent for. This is multiplied tenfold when someone is dying.

If I had my way I would fire a couple of the people in charge of Mom's care. Mean women with no bedside manner at all. The only reason they got into nursing is for the money. Impatient and snotty. I have no need for the bad attitudes when I ask questions or have concerns for my mother's final days. 

Don't be impatient or disregard me. Don't ignore me and tell me I am wrong when I give my opinion. Don't tell me that it is possible that Mom ate 75-100 percent of a meal when she hasn't been able to swallow food for weeks. Don't tell me I don't know what I am talking about when I disagree that she is incapable of that and she is asleep 98% of the time. 

You are a (lousy) nurse.

                            You are not God. You do not know everything. You do not see everything. 

I am hurting now over my Mom. I don't need your snotty smirk.

 

painting

I have about 18 square boards to paint on. I am not much of a painter. I look at these boards and think of all that I could do with them. I feel all I could paint now would be sad looking, reflecting my mood. Do you think if I used bright colors it would help? 

                ************************************

Some days the only thing that keeps me feeling the least bit light-hearted are the grandbabies. The 4- year-old said to me yesterday as she was measuring me "I am measuring you to make sure you are the right size for God to handle."

"Am I?" 

"Oh, YES!" she says. 

"Are YOU the right size for God to handle?" I ask her. 

"Yes, God loves children and we love God" she says. 

Now, if I could just capture that goodness, sweetness in a painting.

Friday quote (on Saturday)

"You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live."

                 Joan Baez

 

Need to make some new decisions soon.......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Holding my breath

Mom goes into hospice care tomorrow.

I am unconsciously holding my breath, I catch myself doing it all day. I forget to breathe and wait for the phone to ring. This is a dreadful way to go, waiting and feeling a bit guilty for wishing her suffering (is she suffering?) would end. Or is it my selfishness, my suffering seeing her this way that makes me wish her a peaceful end?

I can barely contain my tears when I see her. My whole perspective of life and death has changed. What to do with the time one has left. How quickly we can become only a tiny bit of who we once were.

Damnit.

Friday quote

"Spend time every day listening to what your muse is trying to tell you."

                            Saint Bartholomew

failings

Mom is failing fast. Swallowing worse, still choking. Matter of time, is now being kept comfortable and that is about it. I am consumed by the sadness and yet waiting for the other shoe to finally drop...in peace. 

I am failing fast. I have not made any art. I have not written as I promised. I am consumed by a racing yet drifting mind.

Sometimes people just need to permission to go. I gave her permission though I doubt she understood. Now, I just wish God would give her permission.