She is in and out now, floating through a drug induced kind of peace. Her chest rattles like old windows in the wind. Her hands that once sewed and pieced quilt squares are wrapped in fleece and padding to protect them from harm.It is soft and keeps her hands warm..reminds me of quilt batting. She would like that.
Today, I don't choke when I see her. I sit down and stare at the ceiling. I brush her hair off her face. I tell her again that she can go. Anytime. I sit some more.
I come home and think of painting. Collage. How I started this blog because I made a collage about her and Alzheimer's. Nearly full circle. Much love mama. Find peace.
Tonight I'll sleep under the quilt you started and I finished. Maybe dream of you.
I have about 18 square boards to paint on. I am not much of a painter. I look at these boards and think of all that I could do with them. I feel all I could paint now would be sad looking, reflecting my mood. Do you think if I used bright colors it would help?
Some days the only thing that keeps me feeling the least bit light-hearted are the grandbabies. The 4- year-old said to me yesterday as she was measuring me "I am measuring you to make sure you are the right size for God to handle."
"Oh, YES!" she says.
"Are YOU the right size for God to handle?" I ask her.
"Yes, God loves children and we love God" she says.
Now, if I could just capture that goodness, sweetness in a painting.
I was art journaling quite a lot a couple of years ago. I never reread any of those until tonight. This is a slightly (purposely) obliterated page from the day my son quit speaking to me. It has been twenty months, much has changed in both our lives but still...no word from him.
That day I could only draw flames because of anger and hurt. Now the fire is gone. It is just frustration and sadness that we can't agree to disagree. Some say I am better off this way--TV's Judge Joe Brown calls it "disownment." It feels incomplete. Undone. A mess. Unfixable.
My journal fell by the wayside. I've got to get back to it.
For a minute I forgot about blogging at all. I have ADHD or some such thing I am certain, because I can't consistently stay involved in keeping up with things. I can be cruising along just fine, then..."oh look at that shiny thing over there..." and I am totally off track again. Many.distractions.every.day.
I have made art (or my version of art) and just not posted. My latest thing is doing art for Art-o-Mat machines. I am kind of passing on entering local shows for now. Don't have the stomach for it I guess.