it started with a collage...

Purpose

As many of you know, my daughter and I have been trying to start a business with the hope we can be up and running by late summer or early fall. I have posted information many times on Twitter and Facebook and given info about our Indiegogo campaign. We plan to donate 20% of our profits to Alzheimer's research a cause close to our hearts. We have lost many relatives to this dreadful disease.

I am not sure if many of you are confused, concerned, indifferent or in disbelief that we are starting a business in this economy. Small business still lives in this country. That is why they have small business Saturdays sponsored by American Express. That is why we have "Cash Mobs" all over the country. People are tired of big business and big corporations eating the little guy alive. 

So, to the naysayers, I say fine. Think I/we are crazy. Think I will someday eat my words or hat. I may. I may not. All I know is that if you have something you believe in you should go for it. If there is a greater cause than "trying to get rich" that is even a better reason to go for it. Our cause is Alzheimer's!!

As of the first Indiegogo posting, several people have become different towards me. A change of attitude has been noticed and I fear it is because they believe I am asking them for or will ask them for large sums of money to start my business. The Indiegogo "goal" of $50,000 is a big, huge dream. We know that, we knew it when we went live with that amount. But they say if you are going to dream, dream big! I have never asked anyone to their face (except loan officers) for any money and I never will.

What I will do, is continue the campaign and post repeatedly for the rest of our campaign letting anyone and everyone know about it. If anyone needs more information I will be happy to explain.  If you don't want to contribute and sign up for your "perks" of free brownies, coffee, t-shirts, etc. that is fine.  I understand-the economy is bad, you have no money, you hate coffee and brownies, you won't wear t-shirts, you don't contribute to things online--I get it. Even reposting our posts can help by spreading the word to friends and relatives who may be affected by this disease and want to contribute or repost.

But, please-don't treat me differently when you see me, don't change the subject or walk away when you see me coming. If I talk about the startup, it is because I am proud to be working toward this goal. I am not any different than I was before this started, but now I have a bigger purpose in life. Thanks.

Thanks to T.K., E.W., L.T., J.R., J.E., B.M., J.M., J.Z., S.W., D.W., C.Z., L.N., D.T., J.G.,A.C.,M.J. for your kindness. Hugs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                               This is why we do it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a change of attitude

floor plan done-check!

One more step closer to starting the build on the shop. Next step do some more fundraising and PR!! Get that logo ready. So much going on..hard to keep it all in my brain.Will update you every chance I get.

Here is our youtube video. Wow. Youtube. I never thought I would be on youtube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbZioXN9PA4

Do you know anyone with Alzheimer's? Please watch and contribute today to receive your perks.

thank you thank you thank you.

campaign trail

I feel SO important saying that I am on a campaign trail. indiegogo.com campaign trail

Actually, this isn't about politics, but it is about raising funds for our bakery "Brownies to Remember" which will then raise money for Alzheimer's Research. Kind of a win-win situation. You can (pleaeeease) back my daughter and I in this venture, then you will receive some good and yummy perks and when our doors are open, we will send 20% of our profits to Alzheimer's research. 

For those of you who know me well, you know my Mom recently passed away after a 12 year battle with Alzheimer's. Three of her sisters also had the disease and passed away from it. It is a horrendous disease that is a slow, agonizing, depressing sight to live through and/or watch. More research is needed.

The research center we are contributing to, Alzheimer's Research Center in St. Paul, Minnesota, has recently been given a patent for an intranasal spray that helps with memory without side effects of the previous meds.

Until I get another blog up and running for Brownies to Remember, I will post updates on this blog with pictures and thanks for all of your support and kind words. Thanks.

Breathe in, exhale, repeat

This life is now over for Mom. Only paperwork needs to be finished and loose ends tied. It was easier to see her silent and peaceful yesterday than it had been to see her gasping and fighting to hold on.

Crazy memories came to mind when I knew she was going, then gone. Not memories of happy times, but memories of lessons she taught or times when I was angry with her. The happy memories came later in the day. Funny pictures of her or things she used to say. 

Now, I just need to breathe and remember to exhale. I feel I have been holding my breath for years. Trying to hold onto her personality and keep her with us for the last twelve years was like attempting to catch air. 

Today, rain pours from the Leap day skies. Just as well, it will cover any telling tears that come. 

 

*final note: I posted thanks on Facebook to all of you who sent your prayers and concerns. Sadly, it lost part of the messages, blocked me from my account and did all kinds of crazy things. I don't know if any of you saw my thanks or not. I am hoping THIS message gets through. You all know how  much I appreciate your concern and how much I care for you. Thanks again.

quilt squares

She is in and out now, floating through a drug induced kind of peace. Her chest rattles like old windows in the wind. Her hands that once sewed and pieced quilt squares are wrapped in fleece and padding to protect them from harm.It is soft and keeps her hands warm..reminds me of quilt batting. She would like that.

Today, I don't choke when I see her. I sit down and stare at the ceiling. I brush her hair off her face. I tell her again that she can go. Anytime. I sit some more. 

I come home and think of painting. Collage. How I started this blog because I made a collage about her and Alzheimer's. Nearly full circle. Much love mama. Find peace.

Tonight I'll sleep under the quilt you started and I finished. Maybe dream of you.

bedside manner

It is a damn shame when people become involved in occupations they have no talent for. This is multiplied tenfold when someone is dying.

If I had my way I would fire a couple of the people in charge of Mom's care. Mean women with no bedside manner at all. The only reason they got into nursing is for the money. Impatient and snotty. I have no need for the bad attitudes when I ask questions or have concerns for my mother's final days. 

Don't be impatient or disregard me. Don't ignore me and tell me I am wrong when I give my opinion. Don't tell me that it is possible that Mom ate 75-100 percent of a meal when she hasn't been able to swallow food for weeks. Don't tell me I don't know what I am talking about when I disagree that she is incapable of that and she is asleep 98% of the time. 

You are a (lousy) nurse.

                            You are not God. You do not know everything. You do not see everything. 

I am hurting now over my Mom. I don't need your snotty smirk.

 

Holding my breath

Mom goes into hospice care tomorrow.

I am unconsciously holding my breath, I catch myself doing it all day. I forget to breathe and wait for the phone to ring. This is a dreadful way to go, waiting and feeling a bit guilty for wishing her suffering (is she suffering?) would end. Or is it my selfishness, my suffering seeing her this way that makes me wish her a peaceful end?

I can barely contain my tears when I see her. My whole perspective of life and death has changed. What to do with the time one has left. How quickly we can become only a tiny bit of who we once were.

Damnit.

failings

Mom is failing fast. Swallowing worse, still choking. Matter of time, is now being kept comfortable and that is about it. I am consumed by the sadness and yet waiting for the other shoe to finally drop...in peace. 

I am failing fast. I have not made any art. I have not written as I promised. I am consumed by a racing yet drifting mind.

Sometimes people just need to permission to go. I gave her permission though I doubt she understood. Now, I just wish God would give her permission. 

Go in peace

Late stage Alzheimer's is the meanest of the mean.

Mom is now choking on her food and drink and they suggested a "cookie test" to see if she is swallowing properly or choking. ??

If she is choking when she eats and drinks then she obviously isn't swallowing properly. Next step..feeding tube. No, never. The ability to care for her own basic needs has been gone for years, now her brain has forgotten how to eat/swallow and they want to know if I want to force feed her through a tube? Let's just strip away the last iota of dignity she has. 

I whisper to her "you are about done here, huh Ma?" to which there is no response, just a glaze-eyed grimace . This has been a long twelve years, she is tired and I am emotionally exhausted. 

I read this quote about Alzheimer's today (from Lee Woodruff, author)

"For loved ones, it is death by a thousand nicks."

 

                                                                                                                          this is true. so. true.

#2

I have started to blog elsewhere about Mom and Alzheimer's and am going to drag this blog back to where I wanted to go in the first place. I am soon leaving my job and will be spending more time making art and posting it instead of wishing my life away. Please read my #2 blog at ikidk.blogspot.com and feel free to make comments or tell your stories about Alzheimer's and how it affects your life or the life of someone you know. It helps to know that I am not in this, Mom is not in this ...alone. Thanks.