it started with a collage...

quilt squares

She is in and out now, floating through a drug induced kind of peace. Her chest rattles like old windows in the wind. Her hands that once sewed and pieced quilt squares are wrapped in fleece and padding to protect them from harm.It is soft and keeps her hands warm..reminds me of quilt batting. She would like that.

Today, I don't choke when I see her. I sit down and stare at the ceiling. I brush her hair off her face. I tell her again that she can go. Anytime. I sit some more. 

I come home and think of painting. Collage. How I started this blog because I made a collage about her and Alzheimer's. Nearly full circle. Much love mama. Find peace.

Tonight I'll sleep under the quilt you started and I finished. Maybe dream of you.

Friday quote

"I'm not overweight, I'm just nine inches too short."

                                                                        Shelly Winters

 

Sorry, but I just had to laugh today and this did it. Unfortunately, I usually feel the same way she did. 

I am going to paint tonight. Will post it if I am not totally humiliated by the results.

bedside manner

It is a damn shame when people become involved in occupations they have no talent for. This is multiplied tenfold when someone is dying.

If I had my way I would fire a couple of the people in charge of Mom's care. Mean women with no bedside manner at all. The only reason they got into nursing is for the money. Impatient and snotty. I have no need for the bad attitudes when I ask questions or have concerns for my mother's final days. 

Don't be impatient or disregard me. Don't ignore me and tell me I am wrong when I give my opinion. Don't tell me that it is possible that Mom ate 75-100 percent of a meal when she hasn't been able to swallow food for weeks. Don't tell me I don't know what I am talking about when I disagree that she is incapable of that and she is asleep 98% of the time. 

You are a (lousy) nurse.

                            You are not God. You do not know everything. You do not see everything. 

I am hurting now over my Mom. I don't need your snotty smirk.

 

painting

I have about 18 square boards to paint on. I am not much of a painter. I look at these boards and think of all that I could do with them. I feel all I could paint now would be sad looking, reflecting my mood. Do you think if I used bright colors it would help? 

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Some days the only thing that keeps me feeling the least bit light-hearted are the grandbabies. The 4- year-old said to me yesterday as she was measuring me "I am measuring you to make sure you are the right size for God to handle."

"Am I?" 

"Oh, YES!" she says. 

"Are YOU the right size for God to handle?" I ask her. 

"Yes, God loves children and we love God" she says. 

Now, if I could just capture that goodness, sweetness in a painting.

Friday quote (on Saturday)

"You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live."

                 Joan Baez

 

Need to make some new decisions soon.......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Holding my breath

Mom goes into hospice care tomorrow.

I am unconsciously holding my breath, I catch myself doing it all day. I forget to breathe and wait for the phone to ring. This is a dreadful way to go, waiting and feeling a bit guilty for wishing her suffering (is she suffering?) would end. Or is it my selfishness, my suffering seeing her this way that makes me wish her a peaceful end?

I can barely contain my tears when I see her. My whole perspective of life and death has changed. What to do with the time one has left. How quickly we can become only a tiny bit of who we once were.

Damnit.

Friday quote

"Spend time every day listening to what your muse is trying to tell you."

                            Saint Bartholomew

failings

Mom is failing fast. Swallowing worse, still choking. Matter of time, is now being kept comfortable and that is about it. I am consumed by the sadness and yet waiting for the other shoe to finally drop...in peace. 

I am failing fast. I have not made any art. I have not written as I promised. I am consumed by a racing yet drifting mind.

Sometimes people just need to permission to go. I gave her permission though I doubt she understood. Now, I just wish God would give her permission. 

Options

I am thinking if this election madness doesn't start looking better than it does right now, I am voting for Roseanne.

 

That'll show 'em!

Friday quote

"The important thing is not that we can live on hope alone, but that life is not worth living without it."

                                          Harvey Milk